thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
