Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
