I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize