I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Randomize
