Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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