I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize