Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
