my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
