just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
