so that wasnt chicken after all
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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