He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
