stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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