it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
