There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
