eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
