Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
