ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize