I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
