3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
