Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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