is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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