last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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