I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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