there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
