I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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