I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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