Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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