How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
