My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
