is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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