No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
