time to smoke my breakfast
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize