R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
