I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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