dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
