My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
