every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
