My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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