Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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