Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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