She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
