Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
