I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
