My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
