As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So vagazzling was a success
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
