i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
