you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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