Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
