i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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