I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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