I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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