just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
