Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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