Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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