she woke up with a sticky ear
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
