i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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